Freaking Industry.

Why do I do this? Sometime I forget. I love modeling, but days like today SUCK.

So I'm swollen after my liposuction. I went to a gig today and couldn't fit the clothes because of the swelling. Everyone got sent home because of me. Then I went to the next thing, which was an audition for a short film. It went well.

But I didn't feel well.

I managed to pack in:

A whole can of CVS nuts - 1440 calories (I actually thought I was being smart by not buying the chocolates, but that would have only come to 750 calories)
Cheese - 100 Calories
2 Eggs - 140 Calories
10 hoodia pops - 210
Bacon cheese burger thing from Carl's jr - 820
Small fries -310
BBQ pizza 269
Blueberry muffin - I don't even know
All the grapes in the house - 220ish
All the marshmallows in the cereal - probably 200

and then my salad was another 300ish.

Then I purged about half my food. I knew when I got to the blueberry muffin I had waited too long and nothing else would be coming up. I have a shoot for LA Weekly in 2 days. I've never been this much over goal weight (10lbs) and had to lose it in such a short amount of time. I'm starting a water fast tonight for 2 reasons. The detox process is supposed to heighten your senses and make you feel more in tune with yourself. It's supposed to even provide some form of mental clarity. Also, I'm hoping it'll help slide the scale a few lbs. I miss knowing my body. I want to remember what it's like to feel truly hungry, and then truly full, and then truly satisfied. I want to know why I do this. Looking at this post all I see is "I". Me, me, me. It's always about me. I make everything about me. I want everyone to know me and care about me. I want all the attention, and I want everyone to love me. It's not good enough to be mid-grade, I want to always be the best.

I want my ex back. Just because HE dumped ME. I don't even care about the fact that we were no good for each other, I hate that he burned me.

I want to be respected, loved, wanted and in control. All at the same time.

I want to be skinny because skinny is control. It shows that your strong enough to control and deny your natural human instinct to eat. Control. I think that's what it's all about. I just wish I could actually control myself and be anorexic rather than a BED-er.