Purging so hard that your face swells, your throat swells shut, and your knuckles have blisters. Your stomach bleeds, you eyes are red, you have a throbbing headache. You hate yourself for doing this, but you feel so good and you know you'll do it again.
Welcome to me. I'm a bulimic.
I started purging at 17 years old. I desperately wanted to be thin, and hasn't the faintest idea how to do it. My parents were extreme baptists and kept me separated from anything that might have taught me how to lose weight. No Internet other than work and study, no magazines, and no TV unless Oprah was having a special show that was particularly inspirational. I had seen celebrities and knew they had something I wanted. Those legs. Skinny and toned. My first ever purged meal was a 7 layer burrito. I thought I had just invented a new diet and even talked openly about it to friends. I was surprised when my excitement was met with disdain. One friend told me I had a mental disorder. My dad threatened to send me to a facility. It wasn't until years later that I understood. In the beginning I could control it and purge only when I felt like I had a bit too much to eat. It wasn't consuming my life, and purging happened maybe 1-4 times a month. A few years passed this way, with me "in control". I got married, we had a nice little apartment and lived in sunny Oceanside. After 6 months my husband began having back pain. We attributed this to the crappy couch. The pain got progressively worse. The hospital on base prescribed naproxen, vikoden and back strengthening exercises. Surprisingly, none of this helped. He continued to take the medications and do the back exercises until one day I found him vomiting pure black chunks in the bathroom. We went to the on base hospital and after what seemed like years, they came back with some mildly frightening news. He had a lump in his lung, and something that looked like mold was growing on his bones. The nurse was sure it was nothing worse than pneumonia and some type of fungus that could be easily cured. Long story short, it ended up being a cancer. I say 'a cancer' because that's what it was. They did every test, and multiple biopsies only to realize they had no idea what type of cancer it was. Unknown Primary is what they called it. They Navy doctors couldn't help him, so the Marines stationed us in Northern California to get treatment at UCSF. They also couldn't help him. My husband died in my arms on August 10, 2010. I was 21. The funeral was beautiful, and most people were very supportive. There were the few vile people who said he died due to his own sins. They are despicable and not worth naming. After this I slowly slid into a deeper form of binging and purging. I began working out for hours at a time to burn off excess calories. Some people know this as exercise purging. It's weird that exercise purging isn't really acknowledged by professional counselors. They seem to write it off as better than purging, but those of us who do it know just how bad it is. The blisters, and the blood... The faintness and soreness... We know its hardly better than purging. I managed for a while longer after this. I lost all the weight I thought I wanted and started getting great modeling jobs. I felt like I was going places. I auditioned for America's next top model and got the second round of eliminations. But even that seemed like a big step for me. But that's when I started losing my grip. Something in me snapped. I binged. y
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Location:Los Angeles, ca
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